The Things We Forget
I haven’t forgotten about this blog.
Truth is, I’ve been blogging elsewhere’s. Not things many would like(?!) or would be interested in… I think. I am judging now and I’m not sure that is helping.
But I didn’t forget about this blog.
I think it is easier to ignore MySelf than to look at all the things that I have to put up/deal with. But I don’t want to lie to you all – You’re my Peoples.
Her name is Lillian. She is pale skinned, blonde or brunette – depending on how she is feeling. And she’s had my undivided attention since May. I work with her and she gives me the things that I need – attention, love, life, freedom and a part of my soul. She allows me to live through her the things I’ve not allowed myself.
I am a slave to her in certain ways. She doesn’t let me sleep much. She is ever demanding and I always give in, always looking forwards to the day that our tomorrow will be better than the meagerness of right now. But right now is very meager, no matter how hard I try not to look at it.
No, Lillian is not a lover or a girlfriend or even a friends with benefits. She is the pen name I have been using since May. She is all the things that I am not nor would want to be in totality: white, a bit of a romantic sexaholic, people pleaser. I forget sometimes that Lillian is just a small part of who I am and not the entirety of me. This is an easy thing to forget because I spend so many hours writing her stories, promoting her smut, tallying the ends she affords me. Which isn’t much right now, but could be something big in the coming months. In a way I feel like her pimp. But she pays and having a source of income is nice, however small, is nice.
But I forget. I forget things like taking my pictures that I love so much, writing the story of Sandra that so desperately needs to be told. I forget how it is to be me because I only seem to exist for her, to prop her up, to fill her needs, to support her existence.
I forget that she is only a part of me and not the whole of me and that I need to think about things like eating and sleeping well (not waking up in the middle of the night with her story ideas bouncing around in my sleep addled mind) and maybe, just maybe making room in my heart for a girlfriend… or wife.
Though Lillian presumes to be my Master, I think about opening that space within myself for the softness of another woman. I think about finally allowing the body heat of a worthy, respectable, compassionate, comforting, loyal Soul to meet me in my bed, to share with me my life and hers mine. And I also realize that none of that will happen if I don’t let Lillian know that she can only be my Mistress… and not the owner of my life.
And so… these are the things that I cannot forget. Maybe I can find my way back.