Disabled Chronicles, No. 9845601
That one time your Sister just pulls away from the house and it’s you and Penelope Dog sitting on your front porch-lette getting your requisite 20 min. of sun time cause your vitamin D kinda low…
And you decide F&^k This S#!t – it’s too hot out here and realize that you need to stop podcasting and playing 3s and get back into the coolness of your house? So you place your fancy pants phone on your new fancy pants yoga pants, confident that the semi-grippy texture of the phone case will adhere the phone to your pants long enough to get you out of the 1000º rays of the 10am sun, but as soon as you turn and start pulling the door open you realize that your calculations were flawed and that your phone is going to pay the price.
So you stop driving your chair, which further jolts the phone, sending it to its demise quicker. And though you’ve done your best to snatch the phone before it swan dives to the concrete floor, your efforts are in total vain because it lands a perfect 10.00 point dive, thankfully, onto the front door outside mat. At which point you quickly breathe a sigh of relief that nothing cracked but finish that breath with a series of “OhNoPenelope! Ohf#$kinNO!” when you understand that there is currently no other able-bodied person within the house who can snatch your phone up off the ground for you.
So you look up to your left-side neighbor, then your right-side neighbor and further crank up your panic because not a one of them are out this morning when you KNOW you be hearing them have a block party on either side of your house every other morning while you normally sleep during this time.
Quickly you run down your options of what to do and decide in the least, that you need to get the phone into the house and then figure out how to get it off the floor after that. So you use your static reacher with the hook end to push the phone across the carpet, cement and hopefully threshold. All the while you’re worried about the phone sustaining scratch marks and looking like it was used to play soccer, when you remember it has a screen protector and protective case and you mentally high-five yourself for not being a cheap-a$$ and making sure it was protected for just such a fiasco.
Gently you push and nudge the phone over the threshold and slide it in a corner so you can enter without crushing it and then close the door because what?! It is 10:10AM and hotter than two lonely grains of rice in a bonfire. You close the door and stare at the phone in the corner and for the second time that morning, you decide: F&^k This S#!t and go heat up your food because you can’t puzzle out the solution to this problem on an empty stomach…
One heated meal, a coconut yogurt and a Season 7 episode of House, M.D. later, you decide to tackle your phone problem. Looking at the phone in the corner like a disobedient child, you decide to retrieve your heavy-duty reacher with the pinchers from your closet. After wrestling with the HD reacher and cussing it a time or two for being so unwieldy, you sidle over to the phone, use the new reacher to prop it up against the door jamb and attempt to squeeze the reacher handle, lift your hand and maneuver it to the nearest end table, when your hands quickly let you know that they are NOT about dat life and threaten to fail on you mid-squeeze.
Seeing as how you’re not about that busted phone screen life, you gently ease the phone back down, abandon the pincher-reacher on the nearest coffee table and then look at the phone, now chillin’ agains’t the door jamb, with contempt.
Still wrestling with this phone problem, you remember a trick you used once and you look around for the nearest plastic grocery bag. You open the bag and flatten it open, with the handles accessible by the static reacher. You slowly lower the bag next to the phone, so that when you tip the phone off the door jamb, it falls into the flattened bag and you can then use the bag handles to hoist the phone up…
But just as you begin maneuvering the phone, you spy a shadow in your left periphery… Aide2, who should have been there about two hours ago, shows up. 😑
Busting your own front door open, you inform her of your situation, which she solves in one quick reach to the floor, wipes the phone clean and hands it to you.
Sighing with relief, you try to get your mind back together on what you actually had planned for the day, when your phone rings… and it happens to be an important call.
And though you are pissed at the various levels of fuckery that can happen in an instant in your life, in this moment, you’re also thankful.
#ThisLife #IWasMindingMyOwnBusiness #TheseYogaPantsTho #WhyStuffHaveToHappenWhenNoOneIsAround #DisabledChronicles #TrueStoriesOf2017