I want a Love that will take my breath away, that will leave me humbled and grateful and covered in kisses and hugs. I want to know that whomever she is, will be there for the long and short of it, will support and encourage me, will love and accept all of me. I want a love without conditions or prejudices. A Love that is full of open communication, understanding, smiles and laughter. A Love that is unending and unyielding…
That used to be the ending of the previous blog post, Cease and Desist. It dawned on me after I wrote it that even though I had made a mental leap from my past situation to what I hope for myself for the future, it translated on paper as a disjointed bit that made sense (if only in my head) but was really the beginning of something else, something new.
So I cropped it from its former place and started this new entry. Except at the moment, I am not sure how to proceed with it. The idea of loving anew is so wide and vast to me that I am having a hard time wrapping my own mind around it.
I never do anything small. I am usually all in or all out and rarely anything in between. And this presently scares the living hell out of me. I’ve often wondered in all this re-building of myself, if I can do it again. Because being half-way of anything feels like it is going to take the breath out of me. I cannot be half-way in love or half-way truthful. I cannot be half-way present or half-way on. It just feels wrong to me. I get a lot of flack from people when I seek advice or if I engage them because they often remark that I do too much, am too intense, too overboard or am in some capacity too much.
In living life, how can you be too much of anything? If you are passionate and alive, how can your expression of the life inside of you be too much?
This perplexes me and makes me pull into myself a lot of times because I never want to encroach or bother other people’s space. But that leaves me often times frustrated and just removed from life because I haven’t found anyone who has been able to keep up with my level of enthusiasm for things or who gets how exciting or enthralling or awesome things in life can be. It makes me sad a lot of the time.
What do you do when that happens? What kind of person do you become? Depressed and uninterested – that’s the kind of person you become.
To not completely turn into that, I will re-read this post when things and the world get to me and remember who it is that I am on the inside – a bright, ball of Awesome®. In the mean time, I will set my intention to find the other half that gets what the opening passage means and can meet/match it, enthusiastically, without reservations, whole-heartedly. Because that is the only thing that will do.
It is time to begin.
-S
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