I feel like I keep failing.
Failing at words, failing at art, failing at showing up, failing at doing things right.
I feel selfish for always thinking of me and how things affect me. I feel foolish for not thinking of me more, sooner. I feel doomed to not think of me enough in the future.
I feel like I fail to see things. Obvious things. I see things instead how they could be or should be or maybe one day will be. This has helped me so much in not succumbing to how utterly sucky my life has been. Instead, it’s allowed me to create the most incredibly beautiful things out of complete garbage.
But it’s also caused me to miss so much of what’s in front of my face. I get so surprised and hurt over things that have been there all along.
So much has happened guys, in these past six months. So, so much. I don’t know how I’m still upright. I don’t know how I’m still functioning. I know I’m not doing either very well. I try not to deride myself too much – that won’t help change anything really, just make it worse, I know. I also know what I am capable of and how I have none of the spoons to touch even a tenth of it. I avert my eyes and not look at how far I want to go but just in what’s the next right thing to do. And it feels so excruciating. Even to do that. If not for my aides coming everyday, I’d be in a lot worse shape.
Life has been so hard and so heartbreaking. It takes my breath away. I’m not sure what to do next. I don’t know that I’d have the spoons to do it.
I’m just so sad.
What do you do when Life takes so much from you?
How do you recover?