So…
I can’t say that I had a sexual revolution like most people had. During my 20s when such a thing, I’m thinking, was supposed to have occurred, I was working crazy hours at a job I didn’t ever think I would be doing (corporate) for an impossible family situation (my mother died and we siblings were basically fending for ourselves – that is a recounting for another day).
I literally only fantasized about what it would be like one day to have a boyfriend, later when I awoke to myself, a girlfriend. I imagined that she would be talk-ish, dark-haired, tan kind of skin and would adore me. She would have some sexual experience more than me but that would be fine cause I literally had none.
I wasn’t ashamed to not have any sexual experience. I figured what I lacked in know-how I would make up for in enthusiasm. But being with a woman who was incompatible sexually during my first relationship left me with way more questions than answers about my kind of sex and what it was and was not.
I had read the lesbian sex books and how to have safer sex and how to get tested and how to technically please my partner, etc… Which didn’t mean much during the relationship and feeling rather less than spectacular post break-up some how translated, in my mind, to something being wrong with me as to why things didn’t work out.
Ever the Student of Life, I began looking for resources that could help me get Myself better so that the next time wouldn’t be a repeat of the pretty horrible feeling I felt stuck with once this woman was out of my life. That was when I found Dan Savage‘s Savage Love Podcasts.
Now, I am no detractor and I am sure Dan has many, many fans who benefit from his advice and guidance but I found that the more I listened to his podcasts, the more I felt… weird for not knowing, for not having experience, for not being more sexually savvy. I felt that everyone had gotten the So You’re Lesbian – Now What? welcome packet but me. I felt worse than I could have imagined. So I stopped listening. I wasn’t getting anything out of it but more self loathing and I had that in buckets and spades.
One day, while podcast shopping, I ran across a just beginning podcast called Risk! by Kevin Allison. I don’t remember which podcast I listened to first but I immediately fell in love with his voice. It was commanding but very vulnerable and he cursed during the bloopers. Which I thought was funny and refreshing. And without exaggeration, listening to his podcast changed and saved me.
I had found someone who was also LGBT and as clueless sometimes about things as I felt but willing to give just about anything the Old College Try. When Kevin shared his own stories, I felt like I had a Brother from Another Mother right there with me. Some of his stories brought tears to my eyes, some of the stories by the other presenters enlightened me but mostly, I knew that I wasn’t alone in this world with these feelings. Listening to Kevin’s podcasts brought my anxiety down. I’m not sure much else has done that in quite the same way, save therapy.
Kevin is able to process and articulate the experience of being an LGBT person within the LGBT world and give it humanity. So often when we are coming out or growing up, we are told that what we are is a mistake or not what God intended or that we’re even going to hell and all that manages to do is damage us further. I found this healing balm in listening to the stories presented on Risk! that has not only calmed me but calmed my spirit. Listening to Kevin has allowed me to look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed or scared of who I am. Or who or how I love. He restored a part of me that had gotten mangled in my last relationship. That is huge.
Listening to Risk! has also broadened my mind. Stories of people who are not like me but who shared a similar situation as I have in my life. There are many stories of people being in situations that seemed so impossible but they managed to make it through which gave me encouragement and hope. Every time there is a new Risk! podcast ready for download, I am giddy with excitement as to what I will be privileged to share and witness next.
I owe a lot of my healing over these past few years to the humanity I’ve found in the Risk! podcasts.
So, I will pass this on to you guys. The podcasts below are the ones that stick out in my mind the most. They are graphic, they are bold, they are raw, utterly vulnerable and as far as I know, true.
Beyond Kink Camp: Part 1
Beyond Kink Camp: Part 2
I’m not getting paid to write this, I just needed to share some of what has helped me to help myself and I hope you guys get something out of it too.
-S
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