In the midst of a morning full of fuckery that my sister and brother are bailing me out of…
Me: (To Sister) If you wash my face, I’ll brush my teeth and I’ll be able to get done faster. Then you can get a yogurt for me so I won’t leave on an empty stomach.
Sister: Okay, stand close to the bathroom door… (Gets washcloth and puts soap on it while I park like 6 feet from the sink)
Why are you so far? You gotta get closer.
Me: I dunno how much room you’ll need ??‍♀️… (Moves in a foot closer)
Sister: ?
(Starts soaping up my face…)
Keep your eyes closed!
Me: I am!
(I’m not sure how wide she remembers my face being but the washcloth snags the earring on the left ear…)
Ow! My ear!
(Opens my eyes cause it hurt so bad I thought I was bleeding – gets right eye full of soapy washcloth)
Sister: What happened?!
Me: My eye! It has soap in it!!!
Sister: I told you to keep your eyes closed!
Me: I tried! But I thought my ear was hurt! Oh S#!t!! It burns!
Sister: Get closer to the sink so I can rinse it!
Me: I.Can’t.SEE!!!
Sister: … Just drive straight!
(Doing so would require me to go through the bathroom doorway, at an angle, which on a good day with BOTH eyes open, I fuck up…)
Me: I don’t want to hurt your feet! Holy hell! It burns!
Sister: Well, come on!
Me: (Opening eyes to see enough to drive, shutting them when the pain is too much, opening them to get a little further, closing them when they sting too much, etc… until I reach the sink. All the while…)
Arrrggghhh! Aaaaaaccckkk!! Holy crap! WTF!!! Arrrggggg!! Uggghhhh!!! Aaaaccckkk!!! F#*k me Bro!
Sister: Okay, okay you made it! I’mma rinse it off…
(Starts pouring handfuls of water on my eye…)
Me: Aaarrrggghhh! Wait a minute! All that water’s gonna wet my pants!!
Sister: I promise I’m a great Nurse! I’m a great caregiver!!!
Me: That is not in dispute at this very moment – I’m worried about this SOAP.IN.MY.EYE!!!
Sister: (Rinses eye without baptizing me with anymore water) . You alright!? ?
Me: (Blinks my eyes open for a bit…) Yes… yes I am… Jesus! smh
Sister: This is gonna make an interesting Disabled Chronicles…
Me: ?
Later, after my Sister has finished and I’m brushing my teeth…
Me: (Thinking: Okay almost done… rinse, spit, rinse spit, riin…) Oh s#*t! Seriously though?! ?
(Sister comes in)
You’ll never guess what just happened to me…
Sister: What?!
Me: I was rinsing my mouth and while I went for the last rinse, my arms gave out and I wet up the whole of my left shoulder and left thigh ?
Sister: What’s goin’ on?! lol
Me: I don’t even know with today! I’m glad it was just water! Let me up outta here – I gotta go!
#MorningFuckery #TewMuchYesterdayMorning #WhyOhWhy?! #FamComingThroughInTheClutch #ThatSoapTho #DisabledChronicles #TrueStoriesOf2017