Besides my Aide’s bush tea, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that this little peach pill (that I was taking for something else entirely and wholly unrelated) saved me too. Its a low dose, long term antibiotic. And today is my final dose.
I know I didn’t go into too much detail on the severity of this latest flu-plague. But it was bad. Bad enough that for all respiratory related intents, I probably should have admitted myself to the hospital. Yet that would have come with its own set of dangers that almost scared me more than what was happening to me. For a night or two, it was so difficult to breathe that I wasn’t sure I would make it. And that is not hyperbole.
I’d lay awake during those nights, just making sure air came in and went out. Making sure if it became too difficult to do that, that I would dial my sister’s number and wake her for help, if nothing else.
While I stayed awake to just breathe, I’d think of all the things I’ve yet to do or experience, all the things I wished I had time to do more of. I’d briefly close my eyes and be angry at the genetic mutation that made a simple thing like coughing, a luxury. Coughing… a luxury.
And every time the anger turned into sadness, I’d breathe deeper, though it hurt through the middle of my chest and made me feel a little like I was suffocating. I breathed in deeper. For all the things breathing deeper would allow me to see, do, experience, know: my first gallery showing, Nephew’s graduation, my Sister’s graduation, the feeling of warm sun on my skin…
I stayed calm and breathed in deep.
I thought about the two times I nearly stopped taking those pills because I felt like the extended course was ‘too long’, that it gave me too much GI upset, that the original issue I was taking it for (skin related) had cleared up and I was ‘fine’ now. But the first time, I heeded the advice of my Sister and continued taking it. The second time, I listened to my intuition and continued taking it. I shudder to think what would have happened to me and my unable to cough/phlegm filled lungs if I hadn’t kept with the course of that pill.
There are things that happen in life, that in the moment don’t make sense. But it’s not until later, that we learn why it happened and why we were so inconvenienced.
It was inconvenient to ‘remember’ or to want to take that little peach pill everyday. The GI upset it caused was bothersome. The staying indoors because of the photosensitivity, was a hassle. The extended course felt excessive. And despite all that, it probably helped save my life.
I ‘forget’ I have SMA, until it reminds me that’s it’s still here, that we still share a life and a body together, that it can ignore my wants and dreams and assert itself when it gets ready. That sometimes, it can be the boss of me.
Im glad it didn’t get the best of Me this time. I’m glad I get to be here some more and that I get to tell you about my ordeal.
#SMA #Life #TrueStoriesOf2018 #LittlePeachPill
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