The Machine of Sandra has been in high gear for about two weeks.
Between blood draws that were failures, appointments, getting my supplies for the month ahead, applying for scholarships and Life – it’s felt hectic and anxiety inducing.
I find myself just showing up at the places I’m supposed to be but not really being there, eating but not tasting the food, laying in my bed but not resting.
It’s been real fight or flight.
I had a moment today of complete overwhelm and my eyes got teary and my brain panicked – there was no room for overwhelm.
It felt physically impossible. All of it, any of it. How am I gonna do this?! Why do I have to do this? Will I complete this? Oh ye gods…
And I let myself sit in and go through those feels. All my therapy has to matter for something.
I felt my worry, weariness, frustration, concern, anger (so much anger surprisingly), hurt, disappointment, anticipation, and my overwhelming need to be protected.
I needed a hug and to know that I would be protected. I grieved, knowing I hadn’t been really, throughout large portions of my life and wondered if I would ever be. I tried not to follow the other harrowing thoughts that follow that one.
Finally, I just wept.
Because this Machine takes a lot, demands a lot and sometimes I just don’t have it but need to find it.
Sometimes it gets too much, even for me.